What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:04
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He knew the spot.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She found it foreign!.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So whats the point in blame.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I have no regrets .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So, i spoilt her more .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But it wasn’t much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
I think the readers, may guess!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My life is so biszare .
I write beautiful poetry .
I never cut or harmed myself..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!